I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
