We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
