In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
