Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
