the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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