Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
