he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
