Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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