I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
