My sheets look like a crime scene.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
