I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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