This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
