i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
