I just cut my nipple shaving
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
