On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
