so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
