i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
