And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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