fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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