That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
