i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
