The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
