it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
