I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
