Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
