I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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