I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
