I'm gonna have a badass scar
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
