No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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