Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
