Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
