i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
God I need to hump something, right now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
