he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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