In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
