All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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