This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
