Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
