I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
