There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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