My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
