Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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