My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
