Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
