I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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