i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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