Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
