I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
