drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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