I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
