the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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